DOES THE PERFECT FIT EXIST? Ange Cleary -Style mentor 45+

Friendships are similar to a good pair of denim jeans - some have been in your life for so long they just feel like a good solid staple. Some so comfy they literally go anywhere and everywhere with you. Others make an appearance every now and then, you know like the dressier jean or the one you pull out for occasions in a group setting. Then there are the ones that you know you need to get rid of but you feel guilty cause you've invested so much and then there are the fabulous new pair that fit like a glove and you just know you will have them stashed in your closet forever but let's be honest, is there truly the perfect fit? I think there is, but the perfect fit means something different for everyone and that's o.k isn't it?

I have been reflecting lately on true friendships and what that all looks like through this mid-life chapter of emotions. It's been quite a hot topic I have been having with others as well.

One thing I am confident about is that a community of like minded or uplifting people are pretty bloody important as we age. Especially in the transition phase of the empty nester. Now I don't know about you, but I have never ever been a "group" kinda person. I was never part of a group in school and still to this day struggle a little with the whole squad/tribe thing. I generally go quiet and observe in a group setting but then I come off a little guarded or stand offish or dare I say boring as bat shit.

Come to think of it I was probably a floater at school? were you a floater or a groupie?

I would like to add to our couch convo today a few reflective lessons I have learnt over the years through, reading, therapy and personal experience. They may be a gentle reminder to you, they may mean jack shit or you can store them for later like little nuggets of knowledge. I believe every one of us experiences shifts and changes in our friendships through life. Over the years I have often needed to check my worth and value as a good friend, to myself and to others and also who was truly my friend as well. One thing I have learnt for sure and thought it's worth sharing with you is, choose people who always choose you, people who appreciate you and prioritize you. It's not the size of your circle but the value of who's in it. In every friendship or relationship in life there is a lesson to learn.

1. Stop forcing yourself to nurture toxic relationships even if their is a common ground, bond or a history. It's not your job to carry the weight of someone who doesn't respect, appreciate or cherish you and your energy. Your time is valuable and so are your emotional resources. True friends are like a private cheer squad they just keep flouncing pom poms and screaming your name. They're not competitive or condescending they just have your back no matter what and without any ulterior motive whatsoever. Be careful of those that may appear this way on the surface though. Learn to trust your intuition and your BS radar. This has been a big lesson personally for me.

   
   

2. Any relationship should be built on trust, mutual respect and effort on both sides. If you're the only one putting in the work and effort it's time to step back and reconsider. Even if the friendship is fun and honest. Start to just match the energy they're putting in, you will soon find out where you stand in the big scheme of things.

   
   

3. The fear of fomo or loneliness will often keep us trapped in friendships that aren't good for us. Being alone truly isn't the worst thing, being caught up in ones that are dishonest, one sided and energy taxing are. Giving yourself time and solitude to reflect on who you are, what you want and your value as a friend allows the space for true friendships to form in your life. It's in these moments you will find peace and grow. Friends should make you feel whole and uplifted not second guessing yourself, small/inferior or questioning your worth. There are highs and lows to every relationship but it should be a beautiful harmony of give and take. You should never feel like an after thought. Being too busy isn't an excuse, nobody is too busy. I will repeat that, nobody is too busy to get back to you or contact you, if you truly mean something to them.

   
   

4. Don't be pulled back in because of fear or nostalgia. It is all a process and will take time to sift through the range of emotions. It's o.k to outgrow each other, it's o.k to part ways, it's o.k to acknowledge differences without judgement. Always wish who enters, exits or even re-enters your life love, joy, health and happiness. At the end of the day we are all trying to do the best we can with the tools we have learnt and the fruit bowl of circumstances around us. Be gentle and kind to yourself and others and have clear boundaries around your worth and time.

Like any good couch convo with friends the topics can be schizophrenic and change as often as a teenagers moods.

So, what jeans are you wearing at the moment?

I recently purchased a pair of Kireina jeans and they are pretty dam lovely. I get asked all the time about good jeans. These are really flattering, comfortable and seriously cool. Highly recommend on rotation in your wardrobe. Jeans are supposed to fit you, not you fit them.